


Free to Good Home (The Inevitable Consequences Remix)

by kay_obsessive



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Dogs, Gen, Humor, Post-Canon, Remix
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-14
Updated: 2020-10-14
Packaged: 2021-03-08 04:00:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,146
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26739262
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kay_obsessive/pseuds/kay_obsessive
Summary: With a resigned sigh, Havoc carefully opened the box. Sure enough, there were puppies, a litter of adorable little black and white mongrels that couldn’t be mistaken for anything but the offspring of their beloved Black Hayate.
Comments: 8
Kudos: 37
Collections: Remix Revival 2020





	Free to Good Home (The Inevitable Consequences Remix)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [likeadeuce](https://archiveofourown.org/users/likeadeuce/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Castration Anxiety](https://archiveofourown.org/works/225219) by [likeadeuce](https://archiveofourown.org/users/likeadeuce/pseuds/likeadeuce). 



Hawkeye set the cardboard box onto the conference table with a sharp, definitive motion, and they all leaned in curiously.

The box wobbled. There were soft scratching and whining noises, and Breda’s chair hit the floor as he instinctively jumped back.

Havoc looked up warily. “Is this…?”

“Puppies,” Hawkeye confirmed. “We had an agreement, if you remember?”

With a resigned sigh, he carefully opened the box. Sure enough, there were puppies, a litter of adorable little black and white mongrels that couldn’t be mistaken for anything but the offspring of their beloved Black Hayate. 

He looked up again. “All of them?”

“I’m sure you can manage it.”

He cast a desperate look in Mustang’s direction. “Boss?”

“I was forbidden from taking the first mutt home. I can’t imagine I’ve become a worthier pet owner since then.”

His next sigh, looking down again, was even more resigned. One puppy squeaked sadly as it tripped and tumbled headfirst over one of its siblings – they really were ridiculously cute; that had to make this easier, right? – as he slowly closed the box and turned back to the rest of the team. “Well, looks like we’ve got some work to do.”

* * *

“Okay, post-weekend report. What have we got?”

“I still live in the dorms, and so do most of the people I know outside of this room.” Fuery declared regretfully, while holding two puppies on his lap. He mostly seemed sad that he, personally, couldn’t take one home instead of sad that he had made no progress in their mission.

“Anyone else?” Havoc asked the room at large.

Breda, with a wary eye on Fuery’s new friends, raised a hand. “My sister will take one to give to her kids. Although I told her that meant I wouldn’t be coming over for holidays anymore. And someone else is gonna have to bring it to her.”

“I’m sure someone here can handle puppy delivery duty.” He looked around the room again, which stayed silent. “Really, this is all we’ve got?”

“What about you?” Breda said, now casually edging himself toward the corner of the room farthest from Fuery. “Weren’t you dating some girl who was crazy about dogs? You kept trying to borrow Black Hayate to get her attention.”

Havoc cringed. “We… broke up.”

“So? Take one for the team and ring her up. Call it an apology gift, and maybe she’ll take you back.”

“Hey, don’t just assume the break up was my fault!”

Breda merely raised an eyebrow.

He sighed. “Well, let’s call that a last resort for now. Fuery, come with me. I’ve got some ideas.”

* * *

“Don’t ask me to bring any puppies back North with me,” Falman said immediately when they found him in the mess, before Havoc could even open his mouth.

He recovered quickly. “Come on, that base is huge, and you’ve got an in with them now. There’s got to be someone there who wants a new pet.”

“They don’t have pets at Briggs. The dog would either have to earn its food or become food, and I don’t think that’s what you had in mind… Is it?”

Fuery shot Havoc a betrayed look.

“I was joking when I said that about Hayate!” He sighed and scratched the back of his head irritably. “Okay, Briggs is a no. That’s fine. I still have more ideas.”

* * *

“Hey, chief! Do us a favor?”

Ed and Al stopped in their tracks and traded a look as he and Fuery approached. “Depends on what it is,” Ed said, with a wariness Havoc didn’t really feel he had earned.

Undeterred, he nudged Fuery with his elbow, and Fuery opened the box.

Al made a delighted noise and immediately picked up one of the puppies, snuggling it close. 

Ed shook his head. “We already said last time that we move around too much to keep any kind of pet.”

“I figured that was mostly because you were spending all your time running from serial killers.”

“It was really only one serial killer,” Ed said, shrugging. “Anyway, we both still travel a lot, even if it’s a lot more peaceful now. That wouldn’t be fair to the dog.”

“It might be good for Granny to have more company though,” Al piped up. His voice was slightly muffled, because he was currently burying his face into the puppy’s fur. “Winry’s away from home a lot these days, too.”

Ed frowned. “I hate to think about it, but Den is getting old…”

Al smiled and tucked the puppy up against his shoulder. “Looks like we can take one after all.”

Havoc grinned, and Fuery sighed in relief.

“Are you guys just asking everyone you run into at headquarters if they want a dog?” Ed asked.

“Pretty much,” Havoc said. “Seems to be working okay so far.”

* * *

“I don’t know about this. Does she even know who we are?”

“Of course she does. We all saved the world together. That’s why Mustang is part of that meeting.”

“Yeah, and we’re not.”

Havoc considered this. “Well, I’m sure she at least knows us by sight, so she probably won’t think we’re assassins or anything.”

Fuery did not look very reassured by that, but he followed anyway as Havoc moved in.

Lan Fan, standing guard outside the room where the Emperor of Xing was meeting with Mustang and a few other officials, looked immediately wary but not in a way that suggested she foresaw any actual physical threat from the two men approaching her.

“You have dogs in the palace, right?” was how Havoc opened his pitch.

Lan Fan stared. “Sorry?”

“Like, hunting dogs or guard dogs. That’s something the Emperor has, right?”

“...We have dogs in the palace,” Lan Fan confirmed, even more wary.

“Well, we’ve got a pup with a fantastic pedigree to add to the pack! His sire is smart, brave, loyal, even has an impressive military record – ”

“The Emperor does not need a puppy,” Lan Fan interrupted quickly.

The door to the meeting room opened before Havoc could rally. The officials filed out, and then the Emperor was standing in the doorway.

He was holding a puppy.

“Lan Fan, look at the goodwill gift we’ve been given!” he said with a grin.

Lan Fan closed her eyes and sighed deeply.

Behind them, Mustang wore a proud smirk as he caught Havoc’s eye. “You’re welcome.”

* * *

“Come on, man. There’s just one puppy left – step up!”

“Alright, alright!” Havoc threw his hands up in surrender, then took on a grimly determined expression. “I will call my ex-girlfriend!”

There was a smattering of applause, mostly sarcastic.

Havoc picked up the last puppy and gave it a sour look. It licked his face. He sighed and began scratching it behind the ears. “And then,” he declared, tiredly, “I think we should all chip in to Black Hayate’s neuter fund.”

The agreement around the room was unanimous.


End file.
